Each day I am working through this illness. I am trying to be quiet and stay open to what God has for me. As I slowly get better I once again find myself chomping at the bit.Okay Lord I got it I am ready to be done thanks for the quiet time! I am ready to move on. I am determining how my life will go and putting it before God. The funny thing is this is what I was supposed to be learning about through this quiet time. I am supposed to be sitting quietly at His feet watching Him work instead of me.Yet here I am as I regain a tiny bit of strength ready to move on and get back to doing things myself.
One day last week I woke up and I felt strong, I felt like I had energy. It was the first time I had felt like that in weeks and despite the amazing time I had been having with Jesus I was ecstatic to finally be moving on, or so I thought. For all my talk of being open to what God had for me each day the moment I received a touch of my own strength back I was planning my recovery and everything I would now be doing. God had other plans. I am thankful for this now but the next morning when I woke up and the days that followed where I was struggling with strength and body breakdowns I started to shut down. I started once again to question everything. Why was I doing anything I had been striving for, what is the point? I couldn’t accomplish anything on a regular basis. The thoughts just kept coming, each day more questions and peace was quickly left behind me. I was in the Word less and I had been diving deeper than I had in awhile. I prayed for others less and that is what a lot of my time had been spent doing since I physically could do nothing else.
Finally one day, I was still reading and praying just not the way I had been. I was reading, I don’t know what at the time, but the Holy Spirit broke through and told me I was leaving Mary behind to be Martha again. Not only that, but a lot of my concern was what other people were thinking because it was taking me so long to get better. He has been working on me for a few years knowing my desire to get back to Him, to get to the intimacy I once had. For the first time when my body broke down I was at peace to take it day by day and spend time with Him. In this a whisper began to emerge and get louder. I was thinking of all the Martha’s out there saying Lord why isn’t she working, why don’t you make her serve. We are and we have physical issues. I started to question the quiet, and the battle was on.
That day Jesus turned the light on. He reminded me once again that He loved what Mary did sitting before Him listening and learning. He loved that I was doing this and He was not looking for me to assuage Martha and make her feel better, not the Martha’s in the church, nor the Martha I had cultivated in myself.
Now I write this as if this battle is over and since the light got turned on I can see, but let me be honest the battle is still going. I am trying once again to rest and sit before Him in peace. I am trying once again to take things one day at a time. Today I felt better and I tried not to jump up and spend time doing things but I tried to spend my time with Him. Was I successful? Not completely but when God put something before for me I have learned the path that He takes at times. Very rarely does He turn things around in an instant. Usually with me He points something out. Then I begin to notice I am doing it and I pay attention to what He has pointed out. Then I make a change, small at first and then little by little the transformation and renewing of my mind happens. It happens in such a way that I look back amazed that I once made other choices and I wouldn’t think of making those choices now. Not because I have to or was told to or I am conforming to some law or code somehow, but because I have been transformed by God. The old has become new. That part of me does not exist anymore and I am so thankful.
So as I begin this transformation, if you are reading this thanks for being a part of His process. I hope you look to Him and see the amazing ways He is transforming you. Below I have included a song of worship that speaks to His work of transformation in our lives. I hope you enjoy it!